When I was in my early twenties I wrote and self published a poetry collection under a different name. Sometimes I like to read through it because it captures a difficult time in my life. One where I was obsessed with Rupi Kaur, and also going through a divorce.
Last month my cat Tegan vomited “coffee grounds” aka blood, the morning I had scheduled a veterinarian appointment, one week after he told me she was probably fine. By this morning, she hadn’t eaten in three days, and I suspected it was the end. Her sister, Mia, had died traumatically and suddenly two years before, and since then I had both cherished my time with Tegan, and also lived every day anticipating it to be her last.
When I took her into the ER vet just two hours before her scheduled appointment, due to not wanting her to suffer, she was euthanized within 3 hours. It cost 1.1 thousand dollars. I went to work immediately after, where I am a therapist. My client, who I had messaged to say that I was at the vet and might not be able to hold the appointment, missed the message and was in my waiting room. I said, “no worries I actually can make it, be there in ten.” When I got there she asked how my pet was, and I am not a good liar, so I said some euphemism about her no longer suffering. My client laughed and said, “now it’s time to get a new one.” I was relieved she had something to say quickly so we could move on. I had six more clients. I have not been able to cry since.
Here are my babies (circa 2011 in my college town apartment), followed by some actual nice photos I took later in their lives (when I had professional photographer dreams), and then the deeply earnest poems I wrote about them when they were kittens getting me through a time I was pretty sure I was going to walk into traffic.
My lullaby
Is grey and white
And ever so fluffy and soft
She curls into a ball upon my chest
And Gently
she closes her olive green eyes
Until she gets some rest
My lullaby
Takes in little breaths
In and out
So fast
so fast
And I count her little pink toes
And I boop her teeny grey nose
And together
We fall asleep
So fast
So fast
An Ode to Mia
My big little one
She is ever so shy
Hiding in the curtains
until she is certain
No one will ever walk by
And then out she steps
For a real long stretch
And an ever so satisfying
Yawn
And she’ll jump on the bed
Kneed the blankies like bread
Until she too
Rests her fluffy orange head
And together we dream
The rest of the world is gone
An Ode to Tegan