Poetry in earnest

odes to my dead cats

When I was in my early twenties I wrote and self published a poetry collection under a different name. Sometimes I like to read through it because it captures a difficult time in my life. One where I was obsessed with Rupi Kaur, and also going through a divorce.

Last month my cat Tegan vomited “coffee grounds” aka blood, the morning I had scheduled a veterinarian appointment, one week after he told me she was probably fine. By this morning, she hadn’t eaten in three days, and I suspected it was the end. Her sister, Mia, had died traumatically and suddenly two years before, and since then I had both cherished my time with Tegan, and also lived every day anticipating it to be her last.

When I took her into the ER vet just two hours before her scheduled appointment, due to not wanting her to suffer, she was euthanized within 3 hours. It cost 1.1 thousand dollars. I went to work immediately after, where I am a therapist. My client, who I had messaged to say that I was at the vet and might not be able to hold the appointment, missed the message and was in my waiting room. I said, “no worries I actually can make it, be there in ten.” When I got there she asked how my pet was, and I am not a good liar, so I said some euphemism about her no longer suffering. My client laughed and said, “now it’s time to get a new one.” I was relieved she had something to say quickly so we could move on. I had six more clients. I have not been able to cry since.

Here are my babies (circa 2011 in my college town apartment), followed by some actual nice photos I took later in their lives (when I had professional photographer dreams), and then the deeply earnest poems I wrote about them when they were kittens getting me through a time I was pretty sure I was going to walk into traffic.

My lullaby

Is grey and white

And ever so fluffy and soft

She curls into a ball upon my chest

And Gently

she closes her olive green eyes

Until she gets some rest

My lullaby

Takes in little breaths

In and out

So fast

so fast

And I count her little pink toes

And I boop her teeny grey nose

And together

We fall asleep

So fast

So fast

An Ode to Mia

My big little one

She is ever so shy

Hiding in the curtains

until she is certain

No one will ever walk by

And then out she steps

For a real long stretch

And an ever so satisfying

Yawn

And she’ll jump on the bed

Kneed the blankies like bread

Until she too

Rests her fluffy orange head

And together we dream

The rest of the world is gone

An Ode to Tegan